Closet Full of Compassion

Closet Full of Compassion

When Roquesa Brown walked into the ‘Hope Boutique’ in Los Angeles with her two daughters — one she had adopted and another she had just begun fostering — the two 8-year-old girls were stunned. Rows of high-end, brand new clothing and accessories hung from the racks: Nike, Puma, Vans, all with the tags still on […]

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From Exhausted to Empowered

Foster parenting is sacred work. It’s also some of the most emotionally and physically taxing work a person can do. While we pour everything we have into caring for children who have experienced trauma, it’s easy to forget to care for the one constant in their lives: ourselves.

Burnout isn’t just a buzzword. It’s a real, measurable, and potentially devastating experience, both for the caregiver and the children they are caring for. According to a 2023 survey completed by the McKinsey Health Institute, approximately 37% of caregivers will experience burnout at some point. For foster parents, that number can be even higher due to the unique challenges of the role, such as navigating a complex child welfare system, managing trauma-related behaviors, advocating in schools, attending court dates, and often doing it all with little support or recognition.

So, what do we do when the well runs dry?

Let’s talk about burnout—how to recognize it, prevent it, and most importantly, how to recover from it while still showing up for the kids who need us most.

What Burnout Really Looks Like

Burnout isn’t just feeling tired. It’s emotional, mental, and physical depletion. And for foster caregivers, it often coexists with compassion fatigue and secondary trauma, what some call “the cost of caring.”

Signs of burnout include:
Physical: frequent illness, fatigue, sleeplessness, hypervigilance
Emotional: guilt, hopelessness, irritability, feeling numb or detached
Cognitive: forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, cynicism
Social: isolation, disconnection, avoiding others

Case in Point: “Jennifer” had been fostering for three years when she began waking up dreading the day ahead. She found herself snapping at her children, forgetting appointments, and crying in the shower after everyone had gone to bed.
I thought something was wrong with me. I loved these kids, but I had nothing left to give.
What Jennifer was experiencing was classic burnout, compounded by unresolved grief and secondary trauma.

Why Foster Parents Are Especially Vulnerable
The very strengths that make great foster parents – compassion, tenacity, and a high tolerance for chaos – also make them prone to burnout. Many feel guilty stepping back, asking for help, or prioritizing their own well-being.

Barriers to self-care include:
Feeling like you shouldn’t need help
Not knowing who to ask
Believing there’s no time for self-care in an already overly busy schedule
Feeling selfish for prioritizing yourself

The truth is, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Five Strategies for Preventing (and Recovering From) Burnout

Let’s move from survival mode to sustainability. These five strategies are practical, realistic, and doable, even in a packed foster care schedule.

1. Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They’re the fences that protect your capacity to care.
Say “no” without guilt
Limit calls, emails, or visits that drain your energy
Set and enforce “off hours”
Establish realistic expectations for yourself and your family

Case in Point: “Luis” and his partner had taken in two teens with high behavioral needs. Caseworkers would call at all hours, weekends, holidays, and late nights. They felt obligated to answer every time. After a burnout scare landed Luis in the ER with chest pain, they set boundaries: no non-emergency calls after 7 p.m., and one weekend a month off from all foster-related meetings. They saw an almost immediate improvement in their emotional health and their parenting.

2. Practice Time Management and Delegation
You’re not supposed to do everything. And definitely not alone.
Use block scheduling and digital reminders
Add self-care to your calendar like any other appointment
Delegate age-appropriate chores to every family member
Let go of perfectionism: “Done is better than perfect.”

3. Build Support Systems
You need (and deserve) active support.
Seek out foster parent support groups (in person or virtual)
Use respite care without guilt
Identify “go-to” friends and family who can help
Engage in community networks (church, neighborhood, etc.)

4. Incorporate Daily Practices to Recharge
Recovery doesn’t have to wait for a weekend. Small, daily actions build long-term resilience.
Physical outlets: walking, dancing, stretching
Creative outlets: journaling, crafting, music
Engage your senses: aromatherapy, warm baths, nature sounds
Listen to your body: rest when it asks you to

5. Focus on the Positives
We don’t deny what’s hard. But we also don’t ignore the good.
Keep a journal of positive moments or things you’re grateful for
Celebrate small wins (like a completed homework assignment or a calm bedtime)
Reconnect with your “why” for fostering
Reward yourself monthly (yes, it matters!)

Your Burnout Prevention Plan

Here’s an easy template to build your personal prevention plan. Fill it out and revisit it monthly.

My Top 3 Stress Triggers:

My Go-To Calming Activities:

My Support People:

I Will Ask for Help When:

Quick Tips to Combat Burnout

Final Thought
Foster parents are some of the strongest people I know, but even the strongest need refueling. Burnout doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. And just like the children in your care, you deserve support, rest, and compassion. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Refuel regularly—you’re making a difference.

Asked & Answered: Preventing Burnout

Welcoming children home from foster care throws up multiple issues at times for resource parents. We asked our readers how they overcome such challenges to prevent caregiver burnout.

“Celebrate the little wins. You aren’t going to make huge progress but small wins add up. Don’t get overwhelmed by the things that aren’t changing fast enough. There will be a tipping point where things just click. We had a kid come in and tell us that they didn’t like us, then one year later ask us to adopt them. It took a lot of time, conversations and perseverance for all of us. As much as we are going through it, so are they. Give grace as much as you give love.”

“I’m pretty new to fostering so I love this post and reading ideas from others. I really struggled with balance with our first child. After a while, the two things that seemed to help were having 10 minutes or more before bed by myself to stretch, meditate and just have some quiet time. It wasn’t always the 10 minutes that mattered; the routine itself was good for the long run. And in fact, our child got used to that too since my room was above his. Secondly, I would take time off work not only to catch up on tasks but also relax. Not always doable but when I was able to swing it, it would save me.”

“I think it’s really important to give ourselves permission not to attain some sort of work/life balance. There’s really no such thing. Giving ourselves permission to prioritize needs, including our own, is key. Some days we will do so much more for others. Some days we can do a little extra for ourselves, even if that means we have to plan for it and accept that something might get missed when we aren’t 100% there. I give myself small chunks of time to just decompress, five extra minutes in the car, an extra dollop of whipped cream or eating lunch with a friend, picnic style. I don’t get a lot of extra time or money, but I take in as many “me moments” as I can.”

“It’s a little easier now that they are all in school. I work part time and go to lunch with friends once a week. I have also learned to take a half-hour nap or rest before the kids get home from school. Summers really mess with my routine.”

“I’m still trying to figure this one out. Balance is difficult, especially when you’re having to coordinate with others such as the foster care worker, case manager, bio parents and doctor’s appointments. All while working a full time job. Making time for myself away from the kids as well as time with my husband is always a goal.”

All responses taken from our Facebook groups: Foster Parenting Toolbox and Kinship Parenting Group. Want to be part of the next discussion? Join one of our groups at https://bit.ly/fftgroups.

‘Navigating Family Dynamics Can Be Challenging’

I was placed in the care of my maternal grandfather and my step-grandmother at the age of 4. My mother had substance abuse issues throughout her life, and my dad was never in my life. Throughout my childhood, I had a strained and, at times, adversarial relationship with my mother. I’ve found myself in very […]

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Book Review: Before We Were Yours

Before We Were Yours
By Lisa Wingate

This New York Times Bestseller is a historical fiction novel based on the Tennessee Children’s Home Society operated by Georgia Tann from the 1920s to the 1950s in Memphis. “Before We Were Yours” tells the story of Rill Foss and her siblings who were stolen from their parents and adopted out to other families.

While the book is fiction, the characters and the events that take place throughout are based on the stories of survivors of Tennessee Children’s Home Society.

While many of the records from the children’s home were destroyed or lost, it is estimated that Tann stole more than 5,000 children who were adopted out across the country.

In “Before We Were Yours,” readers follow Rill Foss from her life on a river boat with her large family, before being taken by authorities to the Tennessee Children’s Home Society. There, the siblings experience abuse and neglect before ultimately being separated and adopted by different families.
Similar to many poor families and children of that era, Rill lacked the ability to locate her missing siblings, living with the guilt often associated with oldest, parentified children. The story is woven together with modern day character Avery Stafford, whose position in a wealthy family seems to be well-secured before learning of a secret adoption, which were also common for that era.

Rill and Avery cross paths and learn that their stories are deeply intertwined with each other and the dark history of adoptions at the Tennessee Children’s Home Society. This fictional book offers an inside look at what many children and families most likely experienced at the treacherous hands of Georgia Tann. The author does a good job exposing some of the feelings and difficulties children and families often experienced in this dark period.

“Before We Were Yours” is definitely a good read. In 2019, author Lisa Wingate released a follow up book co-written with Judy Christie, “Before and After: The Incredible Real-Life Stories of Orphans Who Survived the Tennessee Children’s Home Society,” which is a nonfiction companion to Wingate’s novel.

“Before We Were Yours” By Lisa Wingate Pages: 352; List Price: $30 Random House, 2017
ISBN: 9780425284704