By Melody Aguayo
Their children going through puberty is something most parents dread, but parents raising kids who’ve experienced childhood trauma have an extra dose of this fear and dread. It’s something every single person goes through, and yet something most people are afraid to talk about openly. Our fear around our kids growing up can lead to avoiding conversations or giving lectures about sex, which can end up being shaming, neither of which is very helpful.
As a culture, we don’t do very well providing sexual education to children, who can be bombarded with incomplete or inaccurate information. As adults, we are responsible for helping our kids find accurate information and helping them to organize it. Humans are sexual beings, and that development starts in-utero. Yet we are often uncomfortable talking about this.
Things parents are comfortable talking about:
. Tommy knows all of his letters, and he is only 2. We always knew he was ahead of his peers.
. Suzie makes the best cupcakes. Plus, they taste amazing, unlike the store-bought kinds.
. Eleanor has never made a B in her life. We never have to tell her to study.
Things parents are uncomfortable talking about:
. Tommy discovered his penis today and won’t stop touching it. Boys are so proud of their penises.
. We caught Suzie, who is in fourth grade, looking at pornography three times now. She sure is a curious girl.
. Eleanor just sent a naked picture of herself to her little seventh grade boyfriend. I think she is very interested in photography.
Sometimes I think organizations hire me just to talk about things like masturbation. When is the last time a parent posted something like this on Facebook about their kindergartner? “Noel just showed the neighbor her vulva and asked to see his penis!”
Or how about, “I caught Miles looking at pornography for the third time!” Both of these things are about as common as losing a tooth, but they aren’t discussed. Parents are discreet about sex, and by the time most kids go through puberty, kids learn to be discreet as well.
However, this isn’t true of all kids. In fact, children who experienced early trauma don’t learn vicariously the way many neurotypical children learn. They don’t always absorb lessons from their environment. Every lesson learned is done through a great deal of intentional effort. That means we have to approach learning about puberty the same way with our kids. This is not a one-and-done uncomfortable conversation.
This has to be a constant skill-building and appropriate boundary-setting season of growth. Get comfortable talking about it, because that is the only way to teach them about their bodies. There are all sorts of lists online of what “normal sexual development” is at different ages. The problem with those lists is that they aren’t designed to reflect children who have endured complex trauma. I am not only referring to children who have been sexually abused, but also referring to children who have not been abused, but are in some ways emotionally and socially less mature than their chronological age. That means that a 12-year old girl going through puberty may be emotionally 6. How many 6-year olds do you know that could handle the mess of having a period well? I would say probably not a single one.
What about 12-year-old boys with complex trauma who are emotionally and socially 6 years old? I wonder what they do when they start having spontaneous erections during the school day. What might a 6-year-old do if that happened? Years ago, a little boy came over to our house for a sleepover and told us all sorts of things about his parents. Apparently, his dad sleeps completely naked and owns no underwear, but sometimes borrows underwear from his mom. This sounded like oversharing to me, and I encouraged him not to talk about his parent’s underwear anymore while I muffled my own laughter. Six-year olds aren’t known for their discretion.
So let’s go back to our 12-year-old with complex trauma. He might just show someone his erection. He might call someone’s attention to how big his penis just got. Either way, he would not show the discretion that would be expected for a child his age and would end up alarming all sorts of children and adults. Is this behavior OK? Absolutely not! It’s not OK if they are 6, and it’s not OK if they are 12, but we are a lot more patient and less alarmed if a 6-year-old does these things than a 12-year-old. Another specifically confusing thing about kids who are going through puberty is that there is socially acceptable potty talk with a group of same-gender friends, but don’t you dare say those things to someone of the opposite gender or to an adult.
Other kids seem to understand this. Other adults come near them, and they immediately change the subject. The kids I work with are often the only ones left talking loudly when the adult approaches and hears them, so off to the principal’s office they go, when the reality is they weren’t the only ones engaging in inappropriate conversations. However, they were the only ones who didn’t show discretion in engaging in that conversation.
A suggestion: Don’t overreact The discretion that other kids naturally have will need to be taught and spelled out instance by instance. Most parents consider sex education as teaching about safe sex, how babies are made and what is going on in the young person’s body. This is just not enough information for these kids.
They need things spelled out like what do you do exactly when you get a spontaneous erection, where and when is it appropriate to masturbate, how close can you stand to a person before they get uncomfortable.
Spell it out gently and patiently the way you would to a kindergartner. Consider sexual appropriateness a skill that can be taught and learned. Remember, if your child struggles learning new skills in general, this will be no exception.
What you wish you didn’t know
Normally developing teens innately use discretion around their sexuality. Parents give them a few sex talks, and then don’t worry about the kids until they start dating or getting into trouble.
Parents of children with complex trauma often know way more about their children’s developing sexuality than they wish they knew.
Be a bold teacher and understand that many times other teens are engaging in the same behaviors, but maybe it is only obvious in your kids with complex trauma.
Consider the child’s developmental age before giving him/her privileges reserved for “teens”
It is not uncommon for parents to come to me when their kids have cell phones and say, “He was looking at pornography sitting right across from me at the kitchen table.”
It is horrifying to parents that the child would do this in such close proximity to them.
I read a statistic that the average teen boy watches 50 pornographic videos per week. This is disturbing to me on so many levels. Other kids are looking up porn too, but it is this seemingly brazen behavior that really alarms parents.
I don’t think teens of any type should have a device that their parents cannot supervise. You would certainly not give a 6-year-old a phone with the internet, so a better fit would be a flip phone without the internet.
Understand the difference between predatory behaviors and non-predatory behaviors
I have worked with many children who have some sexual acting-out behaviors, but only a small percentage of those kids are predatory. Predatory kids typically have many victims before puberty. They manipulate, threaten or convince younger or more vulnerable children to engage in sexual behavior.
This article is not speaking to predatory behaviors. It is speaking to inappropriate and immature behaviors that lack discretion.
Create a list of concrete body-safe rules
Sexual education really starts in infancy. We teach babies that touching their poop and genitals while we are changing their diapers is “Yuck.”
We tell our 3-year-olds to put on pants when the neighbors come over. We tell our 6-year-olds to close the bathroom door when they pee. Some concrete rules that help our kids learn these appropriate skills are as follows:
- Only one person in the bathroom at a time.
- No one leaves the bathroom or their bedroom unless they are fully clothed (yes, this includes boys). Remember we are going back to the basic lessons. Don’t leave gray areas in your instructions. Remember their social/emotional age is much younger, and younger kids are “black and white” thinkers.
- Ask people permission before you hug them.
- You can touch yourself, but only when you are alone in the bathroom or in your bedroom with the door closed. No one else can touch your private parts.
- All devices need to have parental controls and be supervised. Also, when it is time for bed, all devices stay in mom and dad’s room.
Helpful resources
Check out https://vkc.vumc.org/healthybodies/. This link will take you to a Healthy Bodies toolkit that is gender-specific designed to teach kids with delays about puberty. I think they are fantastic resources.
I encourage you to print the appendix section of the toolkit in color and then pick one topic at a time to discuss with your kid.
This resource is picture-based so it’s easy for concrete thinkers to understand.
Remember, this has to be a continuous conversation. Do not give too much information at one time. Keep it simple and always keep the lessons coming. •
Melody Aguayo, Ph.D., has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, and a doctoral degree in psychology. She specializes in providing coaching and training to parents and organizations that care-take children with early trauma. She has spoken at many notable locations including CAFO, City of Orphans, Vanderbilt Neurological Symposium, and others. She is also a parent of two children through adoption. Her personal journey has compelled her into a professional world she wasn’t planning on being a part of. She has a passion for helping hurting families and children turn their pain into purpose. You can email her at [email protected].
